Feeling: Emotional
by TheMainSlayer
Summary: After losing his soul, Angelus soon discovers that he is not the only one to have feelings for the Slayer.
1. Chapter 1

Feeling Helpless

Author: The Main Slayer  
Timeline: takes place after Buffy and Angel's one night together  
Summary: Angelus discovers that he is not the only one with feelings towards the Slayer  
Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing.  
Rating: K+  
This story is copyright to me.

I stare down at her. She is so fragile, so young. I'm not sure what to make of it. Just a few hours ago I was in her arms and now I am contemplating killing her. I watch as air enters her lungs and then leaves in the same manner. I watch as she moves in her sleep tossing from one side to the other. For an instant I wonder what she is dreaming about. Is she dreaming about the previous night? Is she thinking of him? With these thoughts I leave the room. I can't be with her. She would never accept me. The only thing left to do now is to make her life just as miserable as mine. If I can't be with her, then she will suffer the loss and I do. I leave the room. I open the front door and I walk back out into the rain. Leaving the sleeping Slayer to her dreams.

The days to follow were what I had planned. I torment her; play mind games; send her obscure gifts. Every day I see the strain in her features; I see the hatred that has begun to develop. She is tired. She is weak and she knows that I am getting to her. I take little comfort in this. I thought the pain that I would be inflicting would make me happy; would make me forget what I fell. But seeing her in pain and crying herself to sleep at night only makes me hurt more. Makes me feel more emotions that I am trying so hard to repress. I don't want to feel this way; I don't want to sneak into her room at night and watch as she sleeps restlessly. I don't want to love her. I never asked for it; I didn't want it. It's his entire fault. He had to fall for her; he had to make me see what he saw; he had to make me feel. This night was different. I crept into her room as I usually do. I sit in her big armchair in the corner and pick up her stuffed pig known as Mr. Gordo. I hold the animal as I watch her. She moves constantly at night; as if she knows I am there, watching. Tonight she moves more than usual. I watch as tears begin to flood her eyes; I listen, as she cry's his name. I move to her bed; this crying has to stop. I sit at the end of the bed as I continue to watch the Slayer in pain. It comes to a point where I can no longer take the tears and cries out for love. Salty tears sting my own eyes. I bat them away and move away to the window. As I am about to leave, I hear a soft moan escape her lips. I turn back to the sleeping beauty and walk towards her. I climb up on the bed and lay down beside her. She doesn't know I'm here. She never does. I place my arms around her and pull her towards me. I soon find that I am drifting off to sleep. My mind begins to race with thoughts of the Slayer. With thoughts of making love to her; of holding her while she cries; of making her laugh; of making her smile; of just being with her in a different life where there are no vampires and no evil. These images dance in my head for hours. I am deluding myself. Pretending to be someone I am not; pretending that I am not evil; that I can love her the way she deserves. Soon I wake. I realize that I have been there almost all night. Suddenly I am disgusted with myself. I am a vampire; I don't love anything. I get up and leave. I race back to the Mansion where the awaiting Drusilla and Spike are. They would ask where I was, so on the way I kill a family of four waiting in their driveway. When I get back to them, it is games as usual.

For weeks I torment the woman that makes me feel. That makes me feel so helpless. Ever since that night I have stopped seeing her. I sleep alone in a large bed where there is nothing but the cold. I watch her at a distance now. Never getting too close. I avoid her; I just watch. When I see her I am helpless. I don't know what is real and what isn't. I just see someone who even though I have no soul, loves me. Why I will never know; I don't want to know. I remember this one night when I was alone only with my own comfort. I dreamt of her. I dreamt of a small home in Ireland with a white fence. Two large Great Danes in the back yard a jungle gym two small children play in the back with the large animals. There is a BBQ. I am standing in front of it making dinner for a family that will never exist. The sliding glass door opens and there she is the Slayer, Buffy. She comes out with a tray of lemonade for the boys and a Rum and Coke for me. She walks up to me and puts her arms around me and whispers 'I love you.' Then I wake up. To a different world; one where she is afraid of me; where her friends want me dead; where I am dead. After that dream I went out and killed. I had to get the dream out of my head; I had to make the images stop. These feelings must stop.

A few days before the shipment of Acathla, I contemplated killing myself. Thought 'If I were no longer in the world then she wouldn't have to suffer. I wouldn't make her feel anymore pain. It would all be over.' But I don't. I learn that Willow can do the curse. Can make me who I was. For a long time I thought of just letting them restore my soul so I could be with Buffy like it was; then I think of how much fun I am having without that soulful idiot dragging me down. The night before my attacking on the Watcher and her friends, I went to Buffy's house. I watched her one final time. I couldn't let it happen. I had to end the world. If the world was hell, she would have no choice but to accept me the way I was now to be with me forever as my mate. That final night I thought of turning her. Making her mine forever. She was so beautiful. So peaceful as she slept as she dreamt. By now her dreams of me and our love had faded to dreams of hatred and death. She wanted to kill me and she would try. That is why I must turn her. But as I watched her sleep I couldn't bring myself to destroy something so beautiful. I left her room and I left her life. This was a war and now I had to win it.

I don't know why to this day why I love her. I have no feelings; I have no intention of loving anything; but for some reason when I see her I love her. When the soul was returned she had her lover back. She had her Angel. And I was left in the locked chamber where I was put 100 years earlier. I watch from my chamber as the Slayer kisses him. As she says her goodbye. I wish at that same moment that I were out there. That I was the one she was kissing; that I was the one she was sending to hell. The sword pierces the heart. I can feel it too; it is justice to all the evil that I have committed. I could never be with her; I know that now. But it was fun to think it; it was fun to imagine it. Now I am spending eternity in hell where I belong. I still think of her to this day; I think of how she made me feel; of how she made me rethink my life. She was the only human in history to make Angelus feel helpless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Feeling Lonely**  
Written by The Main Slayer  
Author note: story takes place in Buffy season 2 after Angel has turned. Buffy's POV.  
Summary: Buffy's feelings after Angel loses his soul, following previous story 'Feeling Helpless'

Dear Diary,

It has been over a week since Angel turned. Every time I see him or think of him I am reminded of how much I love him. I know that the man that stands today is no longer the Angel that I knew, but I can't help but feel that somehow, he is still there. The other day I was walking around downtown and I spotted him and I just had to follow him…

_It was really late at night. I was walking to the store for my mom when a shadow danced across the ground. For a moment, I thought that it might be him…turning around I noticed that it was him, but I knew in my heart that it wasn't. Not anymore. He was walking alone, deliberately taking in every thing he saw and everyone. I knew what he was thinking now, but for a moment, I wanted to believe that it was Angel again. I decided to follow him. He crossed the street and ducked down an ally. I made sure to hug tight to the shadows in hopes that he didn't hear the sound of my pounding heart. Waiting only a moment, I passed a couple holding hands and thought of him. I remembered in that instance the night he walked me home. It was right after our first "fight" about Xander and his feelings towards me. Angel had finally admitted that he was somewhat jealous of Xander; that night he walked me home, hand in hand. It had been a simple gesture, but it meant more to me than he would ever have known. Holding my breath I passed the couple and followed him farther into the ally. I ducked behind several trash bins before I stopped. He was there…feeding…_

In that instance I knew that he was no longer Angel. I had never seen anything like it. I mean I have seen vampires feed before, but this was Angel and he was feeding off a young woman who probably thought that she was getting…oh god! I don't even want to think about what that man promised her. Ever since it happened I have felt like my heart has been torn out of my chest. Like there is a gaping wound where my heart should be. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think, and it even hurts to function. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning; all I want to do is hide away from the world. I love him; and you want to know the funny thing? I still do. Every time I get scared, every time I need a friend my first and only instinct is to run to Angel so that he can say something to make it better. But I know that I can't. I feel like my life is out of my control and I hate that. I have always had at least some control of the things that I do, but now…I don't know. I don't know what I want to do…I know what I have to do, but how can I kill the man I love? There are times when I want to run away. I would be so easy to run and never look back. But would that really solve all my problems? Would it really save my friends from what he might do to them? My mom tries to help but there really isn't much she can do…

_It had been a Friday night. We had just finished dinner and I was helping her clean up. I was drying the dishes as my mom washed. It had been quiet for the last two hours and the silence I knew was killing her. But I just wasn't in the mood for talking. As I stood, drying dishes, my mom's hands slipped and a plate fell. That was the second time in a week that my mom had dropped a plate while doing dishes._

_"Wow, that must be a record." I said, picking up the pieces. Wincing, I pulled back with a small cut on my finger._

_"Are you okay?" My mom asked me. Nodding slowly, I moved to the table and my mom got the first aid kit. I stared at the blood; watched it run down my hand onto the tabletop. My mom took a cloth and wiped my hand and then wrapped it in a band-aid. I smiled at her._

_"Thanks." I got up and went back to the dishes while my mom stayed where she was. I stood with my back to her. I tried to restrain myself from shaking._

_"I'm fine." I knew that she didn't believe me, but what else could I say to her? It wasn't like I could tell her what had happened between a 240 and vampire and me. Oh and the fact that he was now pure evil. And to top it all off that vampires existed and that I was chosen to kill them. My mom stood and placed her hand on my shoulder._

_"I know you aren't. You have been too quiet over the past week for everything to be all right. Some thing wrong at school?" She asked._

_"No, nothing like that."_

_"Boys then." I smiled at that comment. It if wasn't school it was boys. My mom knew me so well._

_"Listen, Buffy, I know that this is strange coming from your mother but everything in this world happens for a reason. I firmly believe that. All the choice we make everyday reflects our outcome. It if weren't for these choices, where would we be? So things are working out right now, they will turn around if you make them. Nothing happens from nothing; something happens when you work at it." What my mom said was more than she knew I needed…_

She was right. I know it, but it's really hard to believe it. I realize that the decision we made was what brought us here. But there has to be a reason for what happened. Maybe it's a test? A test of love or will. But somehow, I can't help but think I'm being punished for something that I did. That has to be what it is, I am being punished for not listening to my parents or being mean. Anything, I don't care what it is but I'm sorry for it. I just want him back…my world is falling down around me and I can't seem to find a direction. I can't seem to fix it. Nothing good has happened in my life before him and now he is gone and I feel emptier than ever. I will never love again, never. My heart and soul is with that man; and for the rest of my life it will remain that way. No matter who comes into my life, this is it for me. Love gets you nothing but heartache. Is that what makes it worth it? Right now, I don't believe it. I will remain alone…because no one knows how I feel and no one can ever understand. Feeling this lonely is harder than anything in the world…but I keep going. I keep going because if I don't, who will?


	3. Chapter 3

**Feeling Conflicted**

Written by: The Main Slayer  
Timeline: takes place after Buffy's one night stand with Parker in Season 4; Buffy's POV  
Rating: K+ (course language)  
Disclaimer: I own nothing; Joss Whedon is god

Dear Diary,

I have never felt more stupid in my entire life. Is there a reason why I attract the worst men in the world? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? I suppose I should give you the scenario:

I met this guy; after Angel left, I never thought that I would be able to feel anything for anyone. I felt emotionally cut off; emotional unstable. I felt so lost after Angel left, I suppose I was lonely. I met Parker, he was really sweet, genuine and not pushy. I really thought that he was interested in me; that he felt I was special and that I was lovable. He made me feel that no matter what, I was still able to feel and love. So, Buffy being Buffy, I made the decision to sleep with him. That night he was so sweet and understanding; it was like he knew me, understood me. So I made a decision; apparently a stupid decision. I woke up alone, which is not uncommon for me considering what happened with Angel, only to have found out that everything he had said to me was a lie. For days I waited for a call that was never going to come. I ended up seeing him with another girl; are all men assholes?

So here I sit, with my book in my hands, and I have no idea what to write. I feel so lost and alone; I feel like my world is coming crashing down around me and there is no way to stop it. I have faced the worst and most vile things in the world, I killed the love of my life, but this one person seems to have hurt me more than I ever would have expected. I gave something to him; I gave him something that I thought was gone forever. Now I realize that it's not safe to open up to anyone because all that is going to happen is heartbreak.

I think the worst part is that I don't hate him; I should hate him. I should loathe and despise him for using me and throwing me away like some piece of yesterday's trash, but I don't. Sometimes I wonder, did I do this to myself? Do I bring it on myself? I have a tendency to set myself up and then I fall down. I think the best way to describe how I'm feeling is...conflicted. My heart is telling me one thing; telling me that you are broken and will never be fixed. The other part of me, my mind I suppose, is telling me that it was one perfect night between two strangers who needed something from one another. There is nothing wrong with being with someone for a night of complete human contact. So why do I feel so dirty? Why do I feel so used?

I guess this is what rebound feels like...maybe I'll never be able to love again, or feel again. Maybe I'll always be broken...


End file.
